Down From The Cross

A Short Story by Greg Dixon

[Five pre-teens are playing a fantasy adventure card game called Spectra]

Sarah looks through the cards in her hand. A mysterious card marked Desert catches her eye. The scene is of an expansive desert with a small hill in the distance. There are vertical items on the hill, but she can't make them out. Are they trees? People? She does not know. Sarah trembles with mixed emotions as she plays the card.

As the card enters the Spectra circle, Sarah is transported into the scene. All around her she sees a barren, rock-filled desert. Sarah is terrified.

"Why did I play this game? Why this card? God is punishing me!"

Sarah sits on a rock and cries uncontrollably. After a few minutes she becomes aware that someone is with her. She looks up and sees a man standing before her. He looks like he is in his thirties, with flowing hair and a beard.

At first Sarah is startled and scared. But something in the man's presence brings a calm to her.

"Can I sit with you for a while, Sarah?

Sarah wondered how he knew her name, but didn't ask.

"Yes, I need to talk to somebody about what is happening."

"You were scared. What frightened you, Sarah?"

"I am afraid that I have sinned by playing this game. I have angered God. My parents told me never to play such mystical games. And they were right." She begins sobbing again.

"What scares you about this place, Sarah?

She looked around. What was it? The place was like no other she had visited. Yet something was familiar about it. What were those things on the small hill? Were they trees? As she peered into the distance, the small trees began to appear as crosses, with one standing higher than all the others.

Sarah shuddered at the recognition.

"This is … this is where He died!"

The man looked into Sarah's eyes for what seemed like an eternity without speaking.

Finally, he asked, "What does this place mean to you, Sarah?"

"I … I don't know. The cross is the central image in our church. It always makes me feel … well … shame. I guess that is the best word for it."

"Shame? How fascinating! Why shame?"

"Maybe because we killed him. He died for our sins."

"But you were not there Sarah. How could you feel responsible?"

Sarah sat and thought for a long time, a thousand ideas streaming through her head.

"I don't know how to say this. Maybe it is because I feel I am letting him down. Even though he gave his life to redeem us, I continue to sin … I feel that he died for nothing … that I am killing him with my sins."

"What sins could you have, Sarah?"

"Well … sometime I meet a boy, and everything reaches out to him. I just want to talk to him. To get to know him. And … well … to touch him and hold him. I can't control it. My body wants sinful things. My mind wants sinful things."

"And what does that have to do with the cross?"

When I have such desires, it is like I am nailing his foot to the cross. And if I deny the feelings, it is like it is my self that is being nailed to the cross."

The man paused again to reflect.

"You? Being nailed to the cross?"

"Yes. I don't understand it. It is very strange."

"How do you feel being on the cross?"

Sarah imagined being there for a while.

"Pain. Great pain. And something else … pride. I feel superior. That surprises me!"

"Superior? To those around you? Because they haven't made the sacrifice to put themselves on the cross?"

Sarah looked into his deep eyes for a long time.

"Yes, I think that is it."

The man thought for a moment.

"I sometimes wonder myself if man hasn't made a mistake with choosing the cross as the central image. There is so much shame and guilt linked to the cross. And I weep to think how man has used the cross to crush and torment individuals and sometime whole nations. Yet it is your last comment that intrigues me the most. It is like you enjoy the suffering of putting your self on the cross."

"Yes … maybe I do. By denying my natural urges, by making sacrifices, maybe God will love me more than others."

"That is an interesting notion of God - a Creator that would love one of its creations more than another!? And if you want God's love, wouldn't you want it for all of the people of the world? Not just you?

Sarah began to feel even more trapped.

"Maybe."

"Sarah. It is time for you to take him off the cross. It is time to take your self off the cross. It was never intended for you. And, if you listen to your heart of hearts, you will know that you put yourself on the cross for many reasons."

"But the cross as been with me so long! My family? My church? How can I walk away?"

"You don't need to walk away. You only need to think about it in a different way."

"And what of Christ? Can I walk away from him?"

The man smiled and said playfully, "I don't think that is possible, Sarah. Not for you. Not for anyone. He will always be there, whether you know it or not. Some people are never aware that they know, but they do. Tell me Sarah, what did Christ say to the people? Don't think about the cross, now."

Sarah pondered a long time.

"I don't know. I have heard so many versions. And many people argue almost violently over what he said or didn't say. Or how one understanding is better than the others. I don't know."

"You are thinking too much, Sarah. Listen to your heart and tell me what you think he said."

Sarah sat quietly. As she pondered, a feeling of calm flowed through her body.

"I may be mixing up a few quotes, but something like this: 'Blessed are the children. See the world as they do - in innocence and acceptance, and all will be given you. All that I have done, and more, you can do."

The man laughed gently. "Yes, people will certainly say you have mixed up the quotes! But I think you have understood the spirit of what he said. I tend to understand it in the same way."

"But what does that mean to my life? How do I live?"

"That you will need to discover for yourself, Sarah. But take a look around. What do you see?

Sarah looked around. She began to see many things she had not noticed before. There were grasses and small flowers between the rocks. She heard the sound of birds. A white bird soared in the distant sky.

"It is beautiful! There are so many things I did not see before."

"Now Sarah, please stand up. Close your eyes and listen to how your body feels."

She stood up and gently raised her arms from her side. The sun was warm on her shoulder. The wind caressed her hair. As her clothes rustled against her skin, she became aware of her emerging womanhood. She wondered at her shape … at all the possibilities. A feeling of warmth and peace flowed through all parts of her body.

"I'm beautiful!"

"Yes, you are Sarah. Remember this moment. You will sometimes be tempted to think that you are not beautiful - that you are too thin - or too fat. Or wish that you were not a young woman. And please remember that you were given many fabulous gifts. You body is one of them. Your body can feel warmth, cold, give and receive physical love, can create life, can nurture it, can see hear, feel, smell, and taste life."

Sarah spun herself joyfully in the sun, allowing herself to enjoy simply being there. Just being human.

Then she became self-conscious - and some of the shame returned.

"But some of my body wants to be sinful?"

"There is some truth to what you say. While everything your body can do is natural, love can be distorted to lust. Attraction can be used to manipulate. Follow your heart and avoid what seems to be selfish, or hurtful, or uncomfortable.

Your relationships can give you great joy. And also great pain and suffering. Just be aware of the great influence you can have on others, perhaps without being aware of it. Please do not feel shame or guilt for what is not yours to control. But also take care not to use your powerful gifts to gain advantage over or to harm others. Again, listen to your heart in these matters, as with all things."

Sarah was not sure she understood, but she nodded quietly. She closed her eyes for a moment.

"Hey Sarah! Wake up! What are you going to do?" Bill asked impatiently.

Sarah woke up and saw that she was back playing the game. She looked down at the Desert card, which somehow seemed more alive than before.

She smiled quietly to herself and said, "I will pass. I think I like things just the way they are."

Everyone paused to wonder what she meant.

"My turn then", Bill said.

Modified September 16, 2000